Regrets
by Luisa
Summary: Ever wondered what Buffy thought when Anya implied that Giles was "Dying" in Grave? Here's my interpretation of that moment.


Title: Regrets Author: Luisa Email: leyjd@hotmail.com Pairing: B/G Rating: G Distribution: Dword, Kattie, Dusty, Dee... Anyone else just tell me where. Summary: Buffy POV... Ever wondered what Buffy thought when Anya implied that Giles was "Dying" in Grave? Here's my interpretation of that moment. Warning: Mostly angst... you might wanna find that box of virtual tissues... Spoilers: Through "Grave" (S6) Disclaimer: I own nothing - please don't sue! Feedback: Always welcome, always appreciated!  
  
Notes: [thoughts] *emphasis*  
  
Thanks: A huge thanks Renee for the unbelievably quick turn around betaing this, and for keeping Buffy... Buffy.  
  
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"...Then he said a bunch of other stuff... he wasn't too... clear..." Anya's voice trailed off and she fidgeted uncomfortably in the pit where Buffy and Dawn were trapped. In all her years as a Vengeance Demon she'd always hated bringing this type of news to people. Having been mortal herself for a short while and feeling the impact of the death of someone relatively close, made it harder still. She hated it all the more now, the person concerned was like a father to her and she was having to deliver the news to two of her friends. Discomfort began to take precedence over frustration and she fidgeted a little more before speaking again, softer than before. "I should hurry and get back to him. He's... alone."  
  
Buffy felt panic course through her veins at the anxious look on Anya's pretty features. "What do you... is he okay?"  
  
Anya wrung her hands together, speaking in a small and worried voice, "I... I don't think he has a lot of time."  
  
A chill went through Buffy at the words she never expected to hear and thoughts whirled crazily around her head...  
  
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[...I was meant to die first. I know. I know you always insisted otherwise, but *I* was born to have a short life span - we both knew it... and now... you're dying? You... you can't. You *can't*. There's so much I haven't told you, haven't shown you. You need to know how I feel... how much you mean to me...  
  
Giles... I never told you how grateful I am for all those times you've - to quote your words "advised and helped" me, to use mine - interfered and annoyed. I'm sorry. I never meant it... in fact I'm glad you did 'interfere'. If you hadn't, I probably wouldn't have survived half the battles I've fought, or beaten the demons I've faced... I probably wouldn't even be alive now...  
  
You were always more than 'Word Guy' or 'Research Man' to me. You may have been a walking reference book, but as a man, you were always far, far more to me...  
  
Oh god, I wasted so much time yelling at or disobeying you just so I could spend time with my friends at the Bronze. I never thought about the reasons you imposed restrictions on certain areas of my life - never stopped to think that you were trying to save it... I wasn't even aware back then that you were a dearer friend than all the rest put together.  
  
You were - you have always been my reason for living. God, you can't leave me Giles - I *need* you. Yes, I need you for direction, but more than that I need your love, and your support... I need your presence. When I'm with you I feel stronger... whole...  
  
How can you expect me to live without you? At least before, you were only an ocean away - I could call you, or write if I needed you... how can I speak to or hear you if you're in another dimension entirely?  
  
That dimension... that would be Heaven... I'm sure of it. Oh Giles, it's so beautiful - like nothing you've ever seen. I know you think you don't deserve to be there, especially after everything you did in your 'youth': Eyghon, and everything you did with Ethan... But you've more than made amends for it - every step I ever took, you watched over me, every mistake you accounted for, you even got fired for me... Giles I know you'll be in Heaven when you go...  
  
But please don't let that be yet... please don't let that time be now... I have to tell you... you need to know that I... I love you. You're my world, you're my oxygen - my lifeline. Do you really think I came back unwillingly from the dead? Or that I came back for... for Spike? No, Giles... I came back for you. Then you left - that's why I was in so much pain... why I was so lost. You simply weren't there. But now you're back and I've finally got a chance to start putting things right.  
  
So you can't go - you can't leave. I'm gonna fix this. I'm gonna start by stopping Willow, despite what Anya says, and then I'm gonna come clean you up and we'll... talk. Yeah, we'll talk. And then maybe we'll... move on... together. You could move in... things can start to change... for the good.  
  
So you've gotta hang on. Don't die - don't leave me. Not again - you're my one chance at happiness... I won't let it be snatched away again. And if you think I'm referring to Angel and Riley, you're wrong. When they were with me, I never felt truly happy. For Angel, I was just his... atonement. Riley was just a way to be in a 'normal' relationship. I guess me and 'normal' don't really go together, huh? But you and me... we *do* go together... we're perfect together. When Angel and Riley left me it felt nothing like I feel now - it hurt a little, in my heart, in my head... but see how well I survived afterwards? But now - god Giles, the thought of losing you... it feels like all my organs are shutting down... I can't even breathe... my heart, it feels like it's shattering into a million tiny fragments right now... I can feel the pain of it being torn apart, the loss at the emptiness I feel...  
  
Don't do this Giles... don't die... don't go - it's not just my heart that'll never recover if you do ... my very soul feels like it's being sucked out of me... my purpose for existing is being extinguished as easily as water on a flame... I need you, I want you, I love you.... give me a chance...  
  
Forgive me for never telling you... for never letting you know how much I care. Please don't hate me for taking you for granted, or for never appreciating what I had in you. Please understand I never meant it when I said you were 'old and gross', I never mean to hurt you... I just finally woke up to the fact that you really are a 'man' not just a 'stuffy Watcher' when I saw you like that, and I guess I got a little jealous at being the last to know...  
  
I've screwed up so many times, and I know I don't deserve you, but if you can hang on long enough for me to save the world and get you medical attention, then please do it... for me? 'Cause if you're dying then I am too...]  
  
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Anya's voice snapped both Buffy and Dawn from their reflections, as she attempted to offer sympathy. "I'm sorry." Feeling just as helpless as the sisters, Anya could only vanish from their presence, teleporting back to the crumbling Magic Box.  
  
Buffy looked up at the entrance of the pit with renewed determination - desperate to get to Willow and Giles in time. "Xander! *Where's* that rope?"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
END 


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